Its hard to find new friends as an adult. I should know, seeing as I've been forced to find new friends now every year for the past decade. I could just post an ad on craigslist. "Plump hippie/flaming liberal seeking like-minded individual to eat brownies and discuss whether Domino was better than Lonny. Must understand sarcasm, MTHFR gene mutation, and Pokemon scoring system." How many responses do you think I'll get?
I've been feeling lonely-ish. Not super lonely--I still have friends in our old town, but our new town is twenty miles from the old town, and thus the unexpected drop-in/hey can you pick up my kids/see you at school pickup time spontaneity isn't there.
The thing about finding new friends is that you need either common purpose or frequent interaction with someone. The other person has to like you and not think you are weird. Most importantly the other person has to actually WANT to make a friend. There are lots of people here that I have common purpose and frequent interaction with who seem to enjoy talking to me, but they seem to already have enough friends. People here are friendly but....I dunno...busy? Perfectly happy to have a conversation when they see you standing in your driveway (how about this weather! Did your kids start school yet?), but not interested in actually getting to know you. (Or I stand out as a crazy weirdo. Either is possible.)
It is easy to find other mom friends when your young kids hit school age, because you will see the same group of people (common purpose) at the same time every day (frequent interaction), and if you are not a total hermit (I am, but I am forcing myself to speak to people) you might even strike up a conversation with them. This is how we found friends last year at Greg's school. There were at least ten moms that I could talk to at school or group playdates, and probably three moms that I would set up playdates with on a regular basis. However, only one of those moms do I consider an actual friend that I go out to dinner with and call up saying "omg you'll never guess what just happened."
I know that since the kids are going to be at schools this year in our old town, the probability of us making new friends who live outside our immediate block are not high. Thus I am aggressively courting new friends from other areas of life. That sounds stalkerish, doesn't it? I asked the director of my kids' preschool if we could be friends outside of school, and she said yes (yay!).I'm hoping to collect the kindergarten teacher. I had coffee the other day with our realtor, and she suggested dinner sometime, so I have added her to Project Make All the Friends. I hope that when Greg starts his new school that he makes a few friends who don't live too far away (its a county-wide school, so new friends could be 40 miles from here, but I'm willing to travel if he finds someone he likes).
It hasn't been a total success. There have been a few failures along the way that make me squirm (I used the word "boner" to a person who was clearly not the kind of person who I should have said the word "boner" to--keeping it klassy!), but such is life. Now I need to figure out how we can make some "couple friends".
Personal growth and meeting people and putting yourself out there!
Le sigh. Hold my hand and send me a brownie, please.
I've been feeling lonely-ish. Not super lonely--I still have friends in our old town, but our new town is twenty miles from the old town, and thus the unexpected drop-in/hey can you pick up my kids/see you at school pickup time spontaneity isn't there.
I know that since the kids are going to be at schools this year in our old town, the probability of us making new friends who live outside our immediate block are not high. Thus I am aggressively courting new friends from other areas of life. That sounds stalkerish, doesn't it? I asked the director of my kids' preschool if we could be friends outside of school, and she said yes (yay!).I'm hoping to collect the kindergarten teacher. I had coffee the other day with our realtor, and she suggested dinner sometime, so I have added her to Project Make All the Friends. I hope that when Greg starts his new school that he makes a few friends who don't live too far away (its a county-wide school, so new friends could be 40 miles from here, but I'm willing to travel if he finds someone he likes).
It hasn't been a total success. There have been a few failures along the way that make me squirm (I used the word "boner" to a person who was clearly not the kind of person who I should have said the word "boner" to--keeping it klassy!), but such is life. Now I need to figure out how we can make some "couple friends".
Personal growth and meeting people and putting yourself out there!
Le sigh. Hold my hand and send me a brownie, please.
Awww, I feel ya! I'm right there, too. In fact my New Years resolutions were brief... but Project Make All The Friends was #1 on the list. It's tough!
ReplyDeleteI said "Boob Light" to one potential friend who was talking about replacing hers... and unfortunately she had no idea what I was talking about until she finally "saw" it. I'm pretty sure I turned 12 shades of red.
Yes, it is hard (that's just calling out for a "that's what she said" joke, isn't it?). How is your Make All the Friends project going?
DeleteIf I ever saw that ad on Craigslist I would weep with joy ;) Way to pull a "boner"...tee hee. It's so tough to make new friends and I love your observation about finding people who WANT new friends, that makes it rougher I think. I send you all the best vibes in the world, lady. Hang in there, she is out there :)
ReplyDeletethanks :-) I've found one good friend last year, so there has to be a few more out there, I hope. It just takes time to find them.
DeleteGah. We are moving to SoCal in the spring/summer. I was so distracted by the crazy expensive housing that I forgot about the make new friends part. Le sigh indeed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I am the opposite of a flaming liberal, but find that I often relate to them better than to the people in my own camp (who you definitely cannot say boner to btw). Hmmm...I need to think on that one.
We are in SoCal--drop a line when you get here, I'm happy to meet up for a drink! (And yes, my jaw dropped on our first house shopping trip.)
DeleteWe'll be in Orange County so I might just do that. We have family down there, and went to high school down there, but it seems like a foreign country when we visit. I think there will be some serious culture shock going on when we're doing more than vacationing.
DeleteWe've already looked at some houses online just to get an idea of prices and locations and to reacquaint ourselves with that weird SoCal suburban tract house look. Compared to where we're at now, we're looking at half as much house with about 1/6th of the lot size for twice the money. Woot!
Why don't you move (again!) to Oregon, and I'll be your IRL friend? Actually, I think it's the time thing. I've met quite a few wonderful women I'd love to be better friends with, and it's so hard to find time we're both free to do something. So, yeah--soccer practice provides some of my best socializing. And you probably shouldn't move to Oregon just to be my friend.
ReplyDeleteAs for that whole boner thing: I'm guessing anyone who doesn't like your use of that word is not going to be a kindred spirit. So, no big loss. Instead of thinking that you're some kind of uncouth social dork, how about switching your perspective? Maybe she's an uptight snob? :-)
Rita, if I ever get to Oregon I will DEFINITELY want to meet you! Maybe we should plan a trip and meet in the middle.
DeleteAs for the boner comment, I knew that person wasn't going to be my bosom buddy, but my kid loves her kid, so I do end up seeing her quite a bit. I just have a hard time remembering to keep my potty mouth in check. Most of my good friends also have mouths like truckers :-)
Yes, it's hard, but I've lowered my expectations a LOT since my kids have started school. I used to think that the "common purpose" friends weren't friends at all, because I probably wouldn't have chosen them otherwise. Now that my daughter is in middle school, I'm getting the hang of it. Also, I grew up with a mom & grandmother who had no outside friendships, so it was hard without a working model, if that makes sense. Finally in my mid-40s, I understand that the intense bonds of high school/young adulthood ain't gonna happen again, and probably for good reason.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to our lunch next month! And with quite the potty mouth myself, you go ahead & whip out that boner anytime. ;)
Kelly, I'm looking forward to lunch too! I'm fine with the common purpose friends, even if they wouldn't be someone I'd naturally gravitate towards. They serve their purpose for passing time at soccer practice and school pickup, right? Right now my ideal new friend has children that like my children and yet the new friend occasionally wants to go out to lunch without said children. Still looking.
DeleteI've lived here for 9 years and have made 1 close friend like that.
DeleteWhen my kids were smaller, I belonged to the MOMS Club, and, in a nutshell, that was both helpful for breaking into the neighborhood and still utterly confusing, as I hadn't yet learned the "common purpose" thing. I would leave events & playgroups feeling that yearning for better connections. (And being a huge introvert never helped, then or now.)
Hi ,
ReplyDeletemy niece recently found out she has the MTHFR Gene, noone else in the family has been tested but we suspect more of us have it
happy to chat about the weird and not so wonderful ways it has affected my family is you feel like it. I didn't want to add too much here as I thought it would be a depressing medical post
Kind Regards
CAthy
Cathy, feel free to email me at trappedinnorthjersey at gmail, I'd love to hear anything you know about mthfr!
DeleteWhat is the Mister doing to bring some friends to the table? He should bring you some work people he likes who have nice girlfriends or wives for you to befriend. This needs to be a team effort, not just your own lonely effort.
ReplyDeleteAwww--if you ever move to central Connecticut I will be your friend! Love your sense of humor and you could help me go through all the stuff I have - I envy how you are always getting rid of things.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on making new friends; was recently talking to a friend about this (unfortunately we live a 7 hour drive away from each other) and how it's hard to find women you 'click' with at this point in life.
I'll look you up if I ever get to central CT!
DeleteYou should check out MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche for inspiration! It's a little fabricated, but a relatable read. Hope you guys are doing well!
ReplyDeleteErin
We miss you Erin!
DeleteIs there a Newcomer's Club in your area? This has worked for me.
ReplyDeleteBlogless Peggy
not sure, but I'll check it out, thanks.
DeleteHey Lisa,
ReplyDeletetried emailing the address trappedinnorthjersey@gmail and it does not work for me
Am I going crazy or is my internet ?
Kind Regards
CAthy
Cathy, I just tested it and it works for me. Not sure what the problem is (you added .com to the address, right?)--I really would love to hear about your mthfr thoughts!
DeleteI totally get it. We are in the midst of yet another state-to-state move, our 4th in 10 years of marriage. I SUCK at making friends. I always feel like the weirdo. I either talk waaay to much if I like the chick or don't talk enough if she rubs me the wrong way. Most times it ends with us being aquaintances. But we are finally moving back to our hometown. It should be interesting to see how old friendships either pick up or die. Facebook can only do so much!
ReplyDelete