Wednesday, October 7, 2015

More beige and a Thai massage

Our landlord had the house painted--wait for it--a nice beige.

Every inch of our house, inside and out, is the color of Sadness and Mediocrity beige.

Because of my frequent back and neck pain, I have had a membership to a national massage therapy chain for a few years. For anyone who hasn't had a massage, the masseuses at reputable massage parlors are generally very concerned with your modesty.  You are naked under the sheet, but the sheet is always draped modestly, covers you from neck to ankles, and there shouldn't be any body parts sticking out except for the limb the masseuse is working on.  

This past week, with temperatures in the high 90s, my massage place called me twice to cancel my scheduled massage because the air conditioner in the building wasn't working.  My back was getting very tense, so I called around and went to a Thai massage parlor nearby.

It was....a very different experience.

I was handed a pair of bloomers to put on before getting face down on the table. I was topless, as usual, since my back was the focus of the massage, but there was no sheet to get under.

The masseuse was a tiny woman about 70 years old.  She tossed a very large hand towel on my back (no queen size sheet here), jumped up on the table, and using bars affixed to the ceiling, started walking on my back.  There was much tut-tutting and "so tight! Your back is too tight!"

There was a lot of stretching and pulling and a few pretzel poses and a figure-four leg lock, but for the most part, it was the same as the national massage chain.  There was not, however, a ton of concern for my modesty or the placement of the extra large hand towel.

At the end, she told me to sit up, which I did, nervously clutching the hand towel to my exposed front.  The masseuse got up on the table behind me, put her feet in my back, grabbed both of my hands, and pulled back.  Like this, but I wasn't wearing a tank top.

The hand towel fell down.

For the grand finale, she kept ahold of my hands, scootched her butt up closer to me while keeping her feet in my back and lying on her back (I can't find a picture of this pose), and HOISTED ME UP IN THE AIR ON HER FEET.  Take the above picture and just imagine that guy rolling onto his back and taking the woman up in the air, all the while she is being stretched on his feet and unable to free her hands to cover her front.

My mostly naked body was hoisted aloft in the naked-mermaid-on-pirate-ship pose.

You're welcome for that image.

I left without my dignity, but my back felt better.  I went back again the next weekend.    


  1. I'm torn between utter mortification (on your behalf) and hilarity (but in an "Oh, I really shouldn't be laughing, because it's really NOT funny, and yet oh my gosh it IS funny ... but OH PLEASE DON'T EVER LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME" kind of way). Actually, this whole post made me laugh ... "the color of sadness and mediocrity" almost made me spit out my morning coffee :)

    1. I'm sure the masseuse thought I was nuts. I was laughing hysterically throughout the whole thing, as it just kept getting weirder and weirder (there were many other instances of her being up on the table and uncomfortably intimate with my armpits,bottom, etc). It wasn't a sexual kind of thing, and the lady was really old, but it was...uncomfortably intimate.

  2. Is that even legal? Cause, it sounds like it shouldn't be!

    I gave Cane a "couple's massage" for his birthday (like how I did that?) at one of our favorite places to stay. I'd never had a massage before, though people have been telling me for years I should get one. (My back/neck is always jacked up and I have fibromyalgia. That's probably the wrong conjunction, but I'm not exactly sure how those two things are related.) Luckily, there was no immodesty and though it was billed as a couple thing, we didn't even speak to each other once it got going. The point of this rambling is: At some point in the whole thing, one of my ears became plugged. No matter what I did, it remained plugged. "Wow, we've never seen that happen from a massage" and a bunch of mumbo jumbo about my chi followed. Was plugged through the whole stay at the birthday place. Had to go to my doctor a few days later and get my ear flushed out.

    Feeling a little skittish about the whole massage thing, and to now know that I could be hoisted in the air doing a backward airplane? No, thank you!

    1. I will say that this was the first time I have ever been hoisted in the air, or immodestly manipulated. I do tend to get all sinus-y every time I get a massage though. Laying face down for 45 minutes almost always results in me blowing my nose for the rest of the night when I leave. (Do you go to a chiropracter? I go to a chiro once a week, and massage every other week, and that keeps my back and neck in check, usually.)

    2. I've never been to a chiropractor, and I should look into whether or not my insurance will cover massage. Not sure when I'd make the time. I'm just used to always feeling stiff and a little sore.

  3. I have a massage phobia and this just reinforces my fear!


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